By Brice Burge
Editor in Chief

Former Northern Michigan University goaltender Bill Zaniboni has announced that he is coaching 15 of the 16 franchises of the Minnesota Junior Hockey League (MnJHL) through remote controlled robots.

"Yes, I am the head coach of the Royales and the (Wisconsin Dells) Ducks and the majority of the teams in the league," Zaniboni said in a press conference before leaving for the USA Hockey Tier III National Championships in Sudbury, Conn. "I don't know why this is such a big deal -- I'm a pretty awesome coach."

Zaniboni said he was coaching all but one of the teams in the league since 2010. Inspired by the villain "A" from the ABC Family television "Pretty Little Liars", Zaniboni got hired after sending anonymous emails, text messages and reports to team owners to get the jobs.

"Yeah, the whole "A" thing worked pretty well until I was asked to do phone interviews and I knew I sounded like the same guy," said the former Mississippi Surge player and robotics prodigy. "If this was going to work, I had to go bigger."

Bigger he went. Based out of his mother's basement in Plymouth, Mass., he set up a huge network of cameras and monitors to recreate the NHL's instant replay room in Toronto. He would then use over 30 robots to execute his decisions, whether they were head coaches or assistants.

In MQT, both Royales Head Coach Mike Stanaway and Goalie Coach Jim Stanaway were robots controlled by Zaniboni, but MQT Social Scene is happy to report that Royales Assistant Cliff Cook is -- in fact -- a real person.

"I'm still trying to grasp this whole concept," Cook said. "You bond with a couple guys with what you think are strong ties to area and then they don't exist. No wonder we didn't get coverage."

Junior hockey enthusiasts  are also sharing the shock of the Stanaway brothers non-existance.

"To be honest, we're pretty relieved that Mike isn't a real person," said JuniorHockey.com writer Stephen Heisler. "Stanaway was such a pompous and arrogant snob that no one really liked."

Questions were raised about who was coaching the teams after another media source's article implied that both the Royales and Ducks were coached by the former CCHA Goaltender of the month.

No word on what USA Hockey will do to Zaniboni, but they told MQT Social Scene that the were "working on" a press release. Early reports state that the Illiana Blackbirds -- the one team not coached by Zaniboni -- may get the MnJHL autobid for winning their conference.

Brice Burge is the Editor in Chief of MQT Social Scene. He can be reached at briceMQT@gmail.com.

By John LaPine and Bryan Hampton
MQT Social Scene News Correspondent and Breakwall Comedy Correspondent

As the MQT Food Co-Op is working to finish construction of their new store on Washington Street they are making some other changes to better their organization for everyone in MQT.

This morning representatives from the corporate office for McDonalds and MQT Food Co-Op sat down and worked out a partnership for the new store. Under the agreement McDonalds will fund the rest of the construction and renovation to the Washington Street property, as long as the Co-Op met certain golden arches standards.

“We're excited to work with another local business to help us get moved to our new location,” said co-op employee Renee Briggs. “Even if it means compromising on a couple minor items.”

With the new partnership comes a number of new changes. Rather than farm-fed beef, pork and poultry, the co-op will now offer free-range McNuggets, as well as cruelty-free pink slime. Vegetarians can anticipate a focus on french fries, pre-packaged salads and organic McFlurries. The vegan section will be eliminated entirely.

“They're all minor changes, and customers can still look forward to many great, healthy options,” Briggs said.

To meet the new dietary guidelines and inevitable supply and demand issues, the Co-Op will stop using local farms so they could use farms owned by the fast food company.

“This works out best for us since we don’t have to rely on local farmers to supply all of the product that we sell. We’ve really reached a point where we are realizing that local produce isn’t the way to go. McDonalds has really opened up our eyes to this,” Briggs said with great excitement.

In addition to the new products, the organization plans to change its name to the MQT McCo-Op, and will install a Play Place instead of a deli counter.

“Kids will be able to have fun while their parents shop for items like our new gluten-free deep-fried apple pies, soy Fish Filet sandwiches, and, of course, cage-free Big Macs,” Briggs said.

John LaPine is a new writer to MQT Social Scene. He can be reached at our contact us page. Bryan Hampton is the creator of Breakwall Comedy. He can be reached at the Breakwall Comedy Facebook page.

If you would like to join the Harley Davidson Biker Club or participate in organizing group rides please contact Ore Dock Brewing Company. Dogs always welcome, but crotch rockets are not.

By Brice Burge
Editor in Chief

Marquette Socialite Setting’s Editor Price Purge recently released a press release about the publication’s lack of involvement in the untimely death of MQT local and butthurt music writer Ekul Odnol.

According to police reports obtained by MQT Social Scene, a mob of estimated 800 people consisting of local orchestra members, traditional music players and dubstep enthusiasts took Odnol from his Trowbridge Park home and marched through town, chanting “what about us?” Odonl’s body was found dismembered across multiple metal bars on the Presque Isle bandshell, arranged as the notes of Pachabel’s Canon in D.

Rioters said that they most enjoyed the two-hour drum session at Tourist Park, where they were able to use their favorite drum riffs to beat the man to death.  Rioters were seen dancing to a string quartet, before the players took off the metal strings to cut up the body.

“It reminded me of Rachmaninoff’s dystopian ballet,” said Yoop University music professor William Sherman, as he cleaned blood off the end of his tenor saxophone. "It is unfortunate that he was too busy being bludgeoned to death to enjoy what was probably his most artistic experience."

Ondol was a known detractor of the local music scene, but never mentioned the symphonic bands or the Geronimo Music Festival, the largest traditional music festival in the Midwest. Ondol’s latest article “MQT has best effing music scene ever” in the Southern Blow attacked the house party scene frequented by the electronic music community, again without ever stating what knowledge he had of electronic artists.

“The ‘what about us’ chants really showed that his articles were too short-sighted to include multiple aspect of the local music scene,” said Luke Skaman, lead singer of local band Punk Pur.

The paper stated that they could have offered more protection for Odnol, but “have a feeling they'll be laughing for a good while yet."

Brice Burge is the Editor in Chief of MQT Social Scene and is currently laughing about having the advantage of publishing whenever he darn well pleases. He can be reached at briceMQT@gmail.com.

By John LaPine
MQT Social Scene News Corespondent

Last week's late snowstorm, which left a number of MQT area residents without power Friday, may have not been a surprise for one local business. The Taco Bell of MQT hired Mother Nature to slow down other taco-based businesses in Marquette, according to the police.

Police arrested Mother Nature, who faces a number of charges, including fifty-two counts of determent of taco enjoyment, as well as two counts of precipitating while intoxicated, early Tuesday morning.

Taco Bell, located on US Highway 41, has faced stiff competition since the expansion of the MQT Mexican Restaurant Bubble of 2013. In an attempt to gain an advantage, the fast food chain paid an unknown sum of money to sway the forces of nature, said police. Restaurants such as Dia de los Tacos and Ron's Tacos were among the targets.

“We received an anonymous tip that a couple higher-ups at the Taco Bell put in some calls to Mother Nature last month,” said MQT Police Chief Brett Aalto. “The calls led right back to Mother Nature, who had a history of this sort of thing, so we put two and two together and booked her,” said Aalto.

"She appeared to be heavily intoxicated, and started cussing, threatening a mid-July polar vortex, and hail the size of golf carts," said Aalto.

Dia de los Tacos owner Mark Walkman said that taco truck sales did not suffer from the storm.

“The taco industry has become more and more cutthroat,” said Walkman. “Just last week, someone tried to sabotage our spices. Our customers are fearless though, no how many raccoons are released into our truck.”

Mother Nature was arrested in August 2012 after an unlikely earthquake shook the city of Ishpeming, but was released when she promised to cut the 2013 winter short. She is currently held at the MQT County Jail, and could not be reached for questioning.

John LaPine is a new writer for MQT Social Scene. He can be reached through our contact page.
Editor's note: Feliz Abril uno

To paraphrase a friend's Facebook status: "if you believe everything you read on the web today, you're going to have a bad time."

Same goes for us here at MQT Social Scene. We paired with Bryan Hampton of Breakwall Comedy to bring you the best in local April Fools Day stories. Some are parodies, some are responses to our interaction in the MQT media market and some are satires. We hope you will enjoy them as much as we did.

Check out Mike Lebovitz, David Drake and some of MQT's funniest locals at the next Breakwall Comedy night, Tuesday, April 8. To learn more about Breakwall Comedy, read about them here.

For the public's knowledge, here is a list of all our April Fools articles:
MQT FOOD CO-OP RECEIVES FUNDING FROM MCDONALDS

TACO BELL HIRES MOTHER NATURE TO DETER TACO TRUCK SALES

ZANIBONI USES ROBOTS TO COACH 15 OF 16 MINNESOTA JUNIOR HOCKEY LEAGUE TEAMS

ORE DOCK BREWING COMPANY TARGETS BIKERS FOR NEW HARLEY DAVIDSON CLUB

MARQUETTE SOCIALITE SETTING CLAIMS NO INVOLVEMENT IN DEATH OF BUTTHURT MUSIC CRITIC